As I told you all last week when I texted you, I am writing this book in real-time each day. I know what I want to write about, I have an idea how it should flow, but I am leaving it up to God to direct it. Because I am writing the book this way, I have to go back and read it all from the beginning each morning before I start working on the next piece of it. I want to make sure I am not jumping all over the place with my thoughts and that it comes out organized and easy to read. It’s weird writing a book without an outline, but it’s also very exciting.
This morning, when I was reading back through everything I’ve written so far, I started to question a few things. I just spent 2×12 hour days writing the creation section in chapter 1, and all I could think about was that it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t help but want to add more and more to it. There is so much to the creation story that I didn’t share. I want to dive deeper into it, but it would take up my whole book, and I didn’t think that was God’s purpose for it. He has His own Book with all the detail.
Because I’ve been waiting for almost 40 years to write this book, I question when things are going well with my writing. This morning, I started wondering if God really wants me to write the book now. Maybe He was actually trying to tell me to start my Bible studies first, so I could go into all the detail and tell you the whole creation story. Maybe I just got the signals mixed up. I do have everything already set up for Uncle Bill’s Bible Hour. (yes, that’s the name I came up with lol) I have the green old man chair, the camera and mic, and I’ve already checked the lighting and acoustics. Maybe that is what God wants me to do. I can always put the book on pause for a while….
Well, that didn’t seem right either. Ugh, what do I do?
I decided to go for a walk with the pups and get some fresh air. As we walked, I kept questioning whether or not I was doing what God wants. It’s all I could think about for some reason. As I let my mind question things over and over, I started to doubt. Maybe I was wrong about all of this? Maybe I’m getting ahead of God’s plan by starting the book now? Maybe He has more training He wants me to go through first? Maybe I’m not a mature enough Christian yet? Maybe I need to keep working on myself before I jump into all this?
Before the questions in my head got out of hand, I got home. I plopped down on the couch, turned on a “relaxing sounds of rain video” from YouTube, and got ready to pray and ask God if He would confirm what I should do. I do this a lot, but not enough. I usually try to keep the surroundings as quiet as possible, but then the darn dogs start barking at every noise they hear. So, I turn on the rain sounds. It distracts the pups, but doesn’t distract me when praying or deep in thought.
Today, I literally just closed my eyes to start praying, when I heard the sound of a text coming through on my phone. Normally, I don’t stop praying to look at a text, but I was waiting for an answer from God on what to do, so I checked it. It was a text from one of your moms, telling me that she heard the introduction of my book, because one of you read it to her. She wanted to follow along as I write it.
Wait, what????? I didn’t even get the question out before I got an answer?
I laid back down and started to think about it some more. I was half blown away by it all, and half skeptical because it happened so fast and was so obvious. I started thinking maybe the text wasn’t a sign/answer. Am I overthinking this? Maybe it’s just a coincidence? I don’t get a lot of answers this fast and this clear, so maybe it’s a fluke? Before I could stew in my own thoughts much longer, I got 2 more alerts back-to-back on that same phone. I jumped up to read them, half expecting to see a spam text or an alert that The Golf Warehouse is having a sale. Instead, what I saw were 2 notifications from my website.
The first one said this: “people are liking and reading your book”.
The next one was a comment from one of you. This is what it said: “This is the 2nd thing I’ve read today after my Bible.” “Made me cry”. “Thank you for this gift, I am so excited to see what God has put on your heart”.
Well, I guess that takes care of my question! 3 alerts on my phone, all mentioning the book, right when I needed it? Wow!!!!! This type of quick and obvious answer from God is definitely more the exception than the rule, but God wanted me to show you it can happen this way. I think that is why He made it so obvious this time. I’m also quite sure He wants me to finally quit asking Him about it. He will always answer our prayers in His timing, and in His way, we just need to keep our eyes and ears open. It is also awesome to hear at least one of you is reading the Bible!
I missed so many attempts by God to guide me down the right path growing up. When I did notice something, I called it a coincidence. Most of the time I was too distracted and in my own world to spot them. It was only after I started really paying attention to the signs, did I see more of them. However, just like this morning, I still have moments of doubt. The first text that interrupted my prayer should have been enough. It shouldn’t have required the extra confirmation, but I am Glad God gave it to me this time.
This is a pretty typical example of how it works when I try to understand all that God is doing in front of me and behind the scenes. It can be bumpy, because God doesn’t usually come right out and clearly tell me all the answers I seek. Sometimes it’s just a feeling I get that I can’t shake. Sometimes a song, a Bible verse, or even something your aunt says out of the blue, can confirm an answer for me. Lots of times I don’t get the answer until days, weeks, or even years later.
Many answers won’t come until we are face to face with God. This is what having a relationship with an almighty God, who for the time being, is separated from us because of our sin. But, just like this morning, God can also make His answers and guidance very clear!
I won’t generally make a habit out of sharing comments I get about the book as I move through it, but today, God wanted me to put them in here so I don’t have to ask Him if I should be writing this book again. It should have always been obvious, but it’s a process to learn to trust what God is telling me sometimes.
One might think after all the time I spent in church and in private school, I would have been this perfect little angel as a kid. Uh, nope, not even close.
I was just 12 years old when I started dreaming about moving out. Getting out from under the thumb of oppression that was my parents, motivated me, and got me through those dark years. Lol When your grandpa used to wake me up at noon to go mow the yard on a Saturday, I would think about that moment of freedom when I turn 18, and I’d get through it. I was going to be rich; I didn’t need them. My dad was a tightwad, and scared to take risks….not me! I’ll show him.
You have to try and picture this: For 8 years of my life, I was like a guy in a cannon waiting to be shot out. I was stuck in that cannon, and if somehow, I could light the fuse of adulthood, I would blast off into everything I ever wanted. Every argument I had with Bil & Pat, (I called them by their real names a lot ) would end with me reminding them that my move out day was just XX days and 12 hours away. I remember telling them that they would regret the way they treated me, especially when I become rich and famous.
Writing this now, looking back, it all seems pretty stupid. I don’t remember my parents giving me any real reasons to want to escape. Well, maybe a couple…. There was that one-time mom put my bed in the garage after I left to go out with my friends for the night. When I came home at some ridiculous hour, boy was I surprised! It was the peak of summer in AZ, but I wasn’t going to let her win, so I slept in the garage. I can’t imagine what that place smelled like the next day.
There was also the time mom threw all my clothes out the bedroom window, and the times she would try to yell instructions to me while I was mowing the yard. Your grandma was a little psycho back then, mostly for good reason. I was a pain in the butt! My dad always wanted me to do stuff, and do it for free. We had some epic battles on chore days. I’m not sure what my parents thought back then. I was a nightmare teenager. I think maybe they just finally threw up their arms and said: “oh well, let’s focus on the other two kids.” Lol
When I go through my old writing, I get to see what my state of mind I was in back in the day. 50% of what I wrote before 18 was about my parents and how strict they were. The other half was about all the cool things I was going to do when I wrote my book. The stuff I wrote after high school….now that is a different story.
Let’s flash forward to high school. I’ve had about 8 years of dreaming about writing, and a few thousand words hastily scribbled on notebook paper to show for it. So, I took matters into my own hands and decided I needed to live a life worthy of writing about. It sounds pretty good, until I tell you I thought partying and doing stupid funny crazy stuff, was what I needed to make my writing come alive. I started thinking maybe I’ll write a movie instead. I took a few film and screenwriting classes, and I even got an awesome video camera from my parents for Christmas. Although I had a very good imagination that I used often, I could never come up with anything that seemed better to write about than my own life.
I’ve included some pics of things I was working on, or thinking about between ages 17-30. I call this my BS time. “Before Steph”. As I told you before, there was a lot of stress when I was in my twenties. Everything I wrote about was a future scene in my movie or chapter in my book. At least that is what I thought at the time, not knowing God had a different plan. I walked around like my eyes were a video camera, filming the next adventure. There were plenty of adventures, but most of them never made it down on paper. I’d come home, write down some bullet points so that I wouldn’t forget, then never come back to finish it.
If I were to summarize everything that happened during that period it would be this: Even though I was a rebel child, God still protected me through it all. He surrounded me with the best friends in the world, and a 2nd family who all looked out for me. I don’t want to glorify this time in my life, but it did help shape me into the man I am today. I just wish I had 1/10th of the money I wasted back.
Uncle Bill was a great example to follow when you are looking for what “not” to do. I have been to more parties than I can count, and I have a lot of them written down in my pile of old writing. Nothing substantial ever came out of any of it, except a bunch of hangovers. That is how my twenties felt from a success standpoint too. Ugh, what a waste… I tried so hard to fight against the current and get something accomplished, but God wanted me to turn around a go with the flow.
I was 20 when I wrote the letter predicting my future would be full of wealth from sold writing and fame. I was going to be rich in 10 years, and I wouldn’t need the parents anymore. Well, that aged well!
Flash forward 7 years after I sent the letter. I was driving my mom’s mini-van, while working part-time at the Arizona Republic newspaper. Not in a writing job as you might think, but taking classified ads over the phone. I had moved in and out of the parent’s house several times, and if it wasn’t for your Aunt Steph, I would probably still live there. Life sucked! I felt depressed, I felt hopeless, I felt like a failure.
In the decade following that letter, a lot went wrong. I spent several hours in the pokey, and narrowly escaped serving a lot more. I had a car repossessed because I needed the money for beer, and I got kicked out of a couple apartments for partying too much. I had 15 jobs, and I spent very little time working at any of them. I had to sell some of my favorite things to pay off debt, rent, or for buying alcohol. The 69 mustang and the jeep were the hardest to let go. I lived paycheck to paycheck, and always above my means.
As far as the being famous prediction went, the closest I got was being in a few local insurance commercials. I always played the part of the loser without any money, a part I was perfect for. They only picked me because I worked there, and they wanted free talent. I must have been a decent actor, because people used to recognize me and shout my name. Too bad it was just at the mall, and the only people that saw my commercials were the people who were home all day instead of working. There was the one girl who wanted to dance with me because she thought it was cool I was on tv. I might have married her, had your aunt not come into the picture and snatched me away when she saw us dancing. You aunt was the jealous type. lol
The stress was rough. Not only did I have all these financial worries, but major doubt was creeping in. I had a few jobs that helped take away the hole I had not filled yet, but they were always just temporary. I had a mid-life crisis breakdown at 27. I was only 3 years away from the cutoff I told my parents about in the letter. I was nowhere close to having anything written.
Look at the poem I wrote. (Life Lessons) I can’t tell you how much anxiety, fear, stress and tears were behind it. But, if you notice, there is also hope! I wrote this after praying. Although I didn’t have much of a relationship with God during this time period, I always went to Him when I felt everything was unbearable. I went to Him when I was desperate. He always calmed me down and brought me hope.
I was failing, and I had very little time to get it done. The partying helped me forget that I was a loser too. I talked so much crap over the years; on purpose. I figured if I talked a ton of smack about being successful, surely that would help my pride kick in, and I would “get er done”. Again, I was wrong. 15 years after I had vowed to become a writer, I felt further away than ever.
God kept the spark there though, and occasionally, especially during very high stress times in my life, He allowed me to write some of the best stuff I ever put down on paper. I never let anyone see how disappointed I was in my life. I kept up the charade. I drove fancy cars, I dressed like a 50-year-old poser rich guy, and I still bragged about the writing, but only when I was drinking.
I was really scared. I didn’t know what life would be like living with the disappointment I set myself up for. I didn’t know if I could handle that type of pain, so I couldn’t let the dream die, or I’d risk dying inside.
So, here we have an example of 2 things: 1. I wanted to write with every ounce of my being for more than 40 years, but never got anything completed. 2. I wanted to be a good Christian, but I wasn’t anywhere close to good. I was very thankful for all the times God helped me out of a mess, but it didn’t lead to me to obey Him more. After God saved me that one time in the desert, I told Him that I’d never drink again. The next day I was right back to the hair of the dog that bit me.
It was one of the most frustrating periods in my life, and it lasted a long time. Everything I wanted to do, I didn’t. Everything I didn’t want to see happen, did. UGH!
Then, God sent me a life preserver; your aunt. God sent her in to help clean up all the messes, and make me smile at her dresses. Lol The friends and family God provided for me during my party days, were being replaced with my own family. I got married when I was 30, and we had Zach at 32. I needed motivation and my hopes lifted up, and that is just what marrying the love of my life did! I was down in the dumps about my writing, but now I had a wife and a son to think about. I would do it for them! The timing must have been all wrong before.
Nope! Wrong again. God was just planting seeds at this time. He knew what would happen over the next decade, I didn’t.
How can you believe something will happen with your whole heart, but never see it come to fruition? How can you know how you should act, but still don’t? Why did I have to go through all this stress and anxiety?
I have the answers now, but I’ll tell you later. Keep reading.
The more this book comes together, the more I see what a moron I was. I wasted so much time. I wasted so much of my life wandering in the wilderness those 40 years. I spent every hour of every day, worrying about my future. I was always trying to picture what my life would be like in 5 or 10 years, but the lens I used was the wrong one. I looked at my life through the lens of the world, when I should have been looking at everything that was happening to me through the lens of the Bible. I should have been comparing my life to Jesus, instead of the rich CEOs I worked for.
I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself, and I partied like a rock start to try and forget it. I never lived in the moment; I was too worried about what was next. Most of it feels like a blur now.
I’ve been writing in a journal since I was 15. I have notebook after notebook filled with my thoughts, ideas, dreams, disappointments, and successes during that time. When I go back and look through it all, it’s pretty depressing. Every time I actually sat down to write, I questioned if I would ever get something done. If there is an overwhelming theme from the stuff I wrote while wandering in the wilderness, it is that I was miserable, and I was always waiting for my story/life to unfold. The most common sentences over thousands of journal entries were: “Why am I going through this?” and “am I ever going to write something?” I thought there was no way out from the expectations I set for myself. I thought the failure that hit me over the head all my life was here to stay.
Instead of going to God for relief, I went to motivational speakers, business leaders, published authors, and the countless books and tapes on earthly success. I have a ton of stressed-out writing in my notebooks, and very little that was positive. I’d write when I was totally wigging out about something, but I didn’t go back and write about how God helped me through it. I guess I was more miserable than I ever realized. Not once, was I ever able to confidently say I know what I am going to do with my life. Sure, I thought I knew a few different times, but God squashed those ideas really quick.
Stressing about my life achievements, and when they would happen, is the only thing I was consistent with in my whole life. It sucked. Job after job I quit, failed attempt to write after failed attempt, I lost hope. All this time, God was trying to teach some valuable lessons, but I was either too altered, or too distracted to notice. Every day for me was either a day to forget, or a day to think about what I haven’t done. It is the worst feeling in the world, and it just kept repeating itself for most of my life.
One of the main reasons I was stuck in that vicious circle is because I failed to recognize that God disciplines His children. God puts us through trials and tests our whole earthly lives. This is how we grow in maturity, and how we grow spiritually. Ask my parents how well it went when they tried to discipline me back in the day….
There is a movie I loved when I was a kid called “Back to the future”. There is a scene in it where the bully knocks on McFly’s head and says : “hello, Mcfly?” “Is there anyone home?” I think of God doing that to me for 40 years. Bill, how many times do we have to go through this? Bill, I thought you promised you wouldn’t do that again? Bill, why are you so upset, don’t you remember I always provide? Bill, why do you need that fancy car? Why did you quit your job before I told you to? Hello, McFly?!!!
I don’t think the main issue God had with me was my 30 jobs, it was the fact that I never gave Him credit for hooking me up with the new ones. Every time I got a new job, it was a better one, and I took all the credit. Uncle Bill has a big head, full of pride. I remember going to the in-laws not long after I found a new job. My father-in-law Tom said “I don’t know how you do it Bill, but you always find a better job, every time”. I just smiled, while thinking in my head how awesome I was, and that the in-laws recognize my talent. Lol It’s weird how this interaction stuck with me over all these years. I think about it a lot, because it was a great chance to give credit where credit was due. Instead, I let Tom’s comment fuel the pride in me even more. In actuality, he was probably thinking: “Bill has had more jobs in 5 years than I’ve had in my life.”
On the outside, I radiated self-confidence; but in reality, it was all but gone by 35. How could that have happened? I was a cocky, over-confident punk, who thought the world revolved around me. Someone had to put me in my place, and many tried. It wasn’t until God brought me down from my perch, that I finally learned what humility was. If there ever was a perfect parent, it is God. God got my pride in check really quick. Over the last 13 years, He has made sure I know who really provides for me and my family. Had I never learned this lesson, I would still be thinking every positive thing in my life was because of me. Because I am awesome. Because I am fire!
Thankfully, God never stopped trying to make me better. When earthly parents might give up because their kids are too out of control, or they are adults now, God won’t. He never grows tired of trying to get something important into my thick skull. This only benefits me, why wouldn’t I want to grow? In fact, spiritual growth (becoming more like Jesus) not only benefits us tremendously in this world, but even more so after Jesus comes back again. Keep reading, God has a lot to say about the time when Jesus comes back.
The Israelites who were rescued from slavery in Egypt, got plenty of learning lessons, plenty of discipline, and plenty of time wasted in the wilderness too. You can read all about it in the books of Exodus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy in the Bible. Did you know it took Israel 40 years to reach the land God promised after they left Egypt? Do you know they should have been able to get there in 2 weeks? So, what was the hold-up there? What was the hold-up that had Uncle Bill wandering in the wilderness for 40 years? In both cases, it was man being stubborn, and purposely ignoring God’s attempts to point out our wrongs.
Israel broke God’s laws given to Moses on the mountain. I broke God’s laws, and I broke man’s laws. Most of the people of Israel, who were old enough to know better when God rescued them from Egypt, never made it to the promised land. It was supposed to be a short trip, yet most of them died in the wilderness. In contrast, I already have my citizenship to the promised land. I’m just waiting for the place to open; they are expecting me. I decided to wander around for a while and hang out in the desert first. I chose to try and “live my best life now”, but it never worked. I was always thirsty, hungry, hot, and tired. I just kept wandering, going in circles over and over again. The way I felt, (thirsty, hot, etc.) is what the Bible tells us life after death for the unbeliever will feel like. More on all that later.
Remember one of the questions I posed earlier in the book? Why couldn’t Uncle Bill be good, when he knows God wanted him to be good? One answer is because Uncle Bill was stubborn, and I didn’t learn from my mistakes very quickly.
The other part of the answer lies in what we discussed about sin in chapter 3. We are born with sin; and it is part of our nature. It was passed down through Adam, to every person ever born on earth, minus the One. My sin nature is opposed to God, so it is always working to try and undermine God or my belief in God. I can’t blame Satan for everything I do wrong, but the sin and lies he brought into this world, sure make it hard to be good. In fact, this side of heaven, it is impossible to be as good as God wants us to be. Did you know that? We can’t change who we are, but thankfully God can.
Do you know that your parents didn’t teach you to be bad, but they had to teach you to be good? Which side of a child’s nature comes out first, and is instinctual…good or bad? Did anyone teach me to lie? Nope, I just preferred to lie over telling the truth most times. A lot of times it was because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was a failure. Other times it was to cover up another lie, or to get me out of work, or doing chores. This was another thing God had to work on with me over and over again. I wrote a FB post to Zach 10 years ago about excuses. This sums up how I lived with lies and excuses during my time in the wilderness. Check it out:
As I got older, I could lie and cover it up so well that I believed it in my own head. I had lies that no one would ever know about. There are still lies that I have yet to admit, stupid ones that I know would be fine if I owned up to them now.
Ok let’s give it a try: Dad, if you are reading this book, and you are at this point, I have to tell you something….
Remember the Ford Ranger you used to have? Remember the one time I came home with part of the front all crushed in? Remember when I told you that I was in the parking lot, and when I came out of the store the damage was there? Remember Uncle Tom seeing it and saying it looks like someone hit a pole? Well, that is what I did. I was trying to spin the wheels in the grass at a small church. The grass was wet and I lost control and hit their flag pole. Sorry about that pop! I feel better now, if that is any consolation. Lol The Church also learned to put a large concrete barrier around the pole after that. What a punk I was, and still am sometimes.
This was one of the main reasons that God had to keep teaching me the same lessons over and over. I wouldn’t get it. Thankfully He didn’t give up trying, because I do get it now. It wasn’t until after my 40 years in the wilderness, after all the trials and tests, that I finally stopped worrying about my future. It is the most freeing thing I have ever felt! Living each day as it comes, knowing God has a plan for me and this world, is all I need now.
It was 5 years ago, right around Christmas 2020. The nation was experiencing all the Covid hysteria, and I was winding down a consulting gig God gave me. It was then, before I knew what would come next, that I decided I didn’t care if I ever wrote another thing. I didn’t care about any of the dreams I had my whole life. I was just so happy knowing the Truth, and that God gave me so much time to read and study the Bible. Nothing else mattered to me after that. I finally knew my future, and it wasn’t here on earth that I cared about anymore. God gave that peace to me 5 years before I started writing this book. It’s almost like I had to give up the priority I put on my dream, and put it on God. Once I did that, it all started to happen. Now the dream, and the peace, are both real.
I can’t explain how great I feel right now, writing this. I have not had the stress over my failed life in a little over 10 years. The sick feeling I had in my gut all those years is gone. I didn’t think the day would ever come. I am not sure I could have been further down in the dumps, but now I am more alive and hopeful than any time in my life. This is what a miracle looks like! To come out of the wilderness virtually unscathed, can only be God’s doing.
It was almost 14 years ago that Uncle Bill lost his mind. I was at my “stressimus maximus”. I was miserable at work, and I knew that my day was coming soon. In fact, over the previous year, I had to lay off half of my team. Many of them were my friends, because we worked together for 7 years. This was the longest I’ve ever kept a job. I got lazy, and comfortable. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I got paid a sick amount of money for the work that I did, and I bet I could have stayed there another 7 years had that darn president not been elected.
It was December of 2011 and our AZ family went up north for our annual family vacation. I really like hanging out with you guys on these vacations. It’s awesome when we are all just chillin out and making fun of your parents together. We didn’t get to spend much time together on this vacation though. You guys were still pretty young, so you probably won’t remember uncle Bill’s breakdown. That darn guy who ran the nation worked his way into our conversation the first night there, and it got me all worked up!
I don’t even remember what your grandpa, your moms, or I said, but things got a little heated. Anyway, I stormed out of the room, flipping of my sister on the way out. (I’m sure you know which sister it was.) Lol I can’t explain it; I wasn’t myself, but I was. I don’t remember a time I was angrier and more upset. I couldn’t understand how they could vote for that guy knowing it was going to cost me my job. Family first, right? Whatever. The next morning, I got your aunt and Zach up super early and we drove home. Well, your aunt drove us home. Uncle Bill would’ve had to stay there until all the snow melted, if he had to drive down those crazy curvy mountain roads.
It took me about 3 months to get past that one. I swore I would never go on a family vacation again, but then they started to get more fun as you guys got older and we could hang. Also, a lot changed in the 3 months after my meltdown.
Flash forward just a few months after “fight night with the family”. I was driving my sad self to work. Even though my job was a long way away, I took the back roads there. I hate sitting on the freeway in traffic, I need to be moving. I also wanted to make sure I was mentally prepared for work, and sometimes that took me a while. Anyway, after I turned a 1-hour trip into a 2-hour cruise, I finally made it to the office. Something seemed different that day, and I still can’t explain why I felt that way.
Less than two months prior, I laid off half of my team. The people that actually made work half-way enjoyable for me, were now out enjoying their new free time, while I was still stuck at work. We got a new boss who was there to figure out what to do with our department. Most of our senior leadership team thought my area would go away with the recent bill passed in DC. They panicked, and they started cutting everything and everyone they could. Eventually, their theory proved wrong, and the department is now staffed back up. But I digress….
Anyway, I walked in to my office and pulled up my emails. There was a calendar invite for that afternoon with my boss and the human resources director, down in his office. This was it, layoff day! It was finally here! Now I have to wait all day??? It’s a little HR trick, to use Friday afternoons as the day to let people go. There is less disruption, the business is closed on the weekend, and you give the employees who still work there a few days to digest the news. I had been on the other side of this many times, but never the person waiting to be let go. It was weird.
Since I had to anxiously wait around all day, I slyly packed up everything I wanted to keep, and took several trips out to my car throughout the day. I was sneaky, so no one thought anything was up. I wasn’t supposed to know it was coming, but your Uncle Bill ain’t no fool. I went to lunch a few times that day, then I just sat around deleting emails and clearing out my desk.
Well, 4:00 finally came, and the news I was waiting a year for came with it. I was getting laid off! They offered me a severance package, which you never get when you quit a job. I was going to get paid for a few months while I look for another opportunity. This is crazy! I drove out of that place faster than the cookie dough disappeared after my sister found it! I went over to the K-mart down the road and called your aunt Steph from the nasty old payphone. (I had to give up my company cellphone)
Your aunt Steph knew this day was coming. She has had lots of days like this since she met me, and I would bet she expected it to happen a lot sooner than it did. On the way over to the payphone I was practicing how I would tell her. I started working on my voice inflections: ”Hey babe, (sounding down & out) I just got laid off”. I tried it a few more times before I got out of the car and put the quarter in the phone. I had to call her a couple times because she didn’t recognize the payphone number, so I had to keep that sticky, gross, nasty phone on my ear longer than I wanted to. Plus there were about 20 homeless guys in line behind me waiting impatiently.
My heart was racing. I had plenty of these conversations with your Aunt Steph before, but this one felt different. This one felt a little less my fault than usual. Still, it is hard to tell your wife you lost your job. Trust me, it doesn’t matter how many times you do it, that call home never gets easier. “Hey babe, I just got laid off”, I told her as I struggled to keep the joy in my voice contained. “They gave me a severance package, so I’ve got some time”. Your aunt Steph didn’t like the sound of “I’ve got time”, so she was quick to tell me I better start looking for a job now, because it can take a while. I mumbled “I’ll see you at home”, she told me she loved me, and I disinfected my face hand and ear, and got ready for the long drive home. I remember thinking: “she said she loves me, so she must not be that mad at me”. What a nutjob your uncle Bill is.
I got back in the car and started screaming with joy at the top of my lungs! Woooooooohoooooo! A few of the homeless guys thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care. It was OVAH!!!!!!!!! I felt all that stress just melt right off of me. I still can’t believe they keep paying you after they let you go. What a world! I stopped by my cousin’s house to celebrate and give him the good news. I called your grandma to break it to her as well. If there is anyone who has lived through more of my jobs than Steph it’s my mom. She worries about her boy. I am a momma’s boy; I’ll never be ashamed to admit it. My mom rocks. You know guys know it. Well, she wasn’t too happy about the job going away, but what’s a mother to do? Life got a little less hectic for my her when your aunt Steph came in the picture. It’s like now Steph could take over, and my mom could worry more about you guys. lol
I stayed at this job until God made me leave. I had never done that before. I didn’t handle the year I was waiting for layoff day very well, but I made it. I just kept thinking maybe now is the time to finish the book! This has to be why I got laid off. It’s frickin time!!!!!! Or maybe not….that was 13 years ago….
Sometimes I think the Bible should come with a warning label. Since it doesn’t, I will give you one: “WARNING, CONTENTS INSIDE WILL CAUSE SIDE-EFFECTS”. I think the reason I avoided reading the Bible until it was made a requirement to attend God’s school, was that I was afraid to know what was in there. I was afraid there was going to be a bunch of rules that I didn’t know about. You know what they say: “what you don’t know can’t be held against you”. It was probably some of the dumbest logic I have ever used in my life. What am I some mob boss who doesn’t want to know the details of a hit he sent his guys out on, so he can deny it later? What a whack-job I am. lol
When God enrolled me in Bible 101, the first 6 months was nothing but reading the Bible. I told you some of the things I learned during that time in my last chapter. God gave me some peace and relief from stress and worry. He taught me that I shouldn’t be anxious over things I can’t control, and He helped me understand more about heaven. One of the side-effects I got from reading the Bible, was an overwhelming desire to share what I was learning. The stuff in those pages was so incredible, that I had to share it. Naturally, I started with the people I was most comfortable with, my family.
I remember, asking God to give me boldness and courage to tell you guys about God. I got Haley & Nikk’s email addresses, as well as the emails for my sister-in-law, my parents, the in-laws, my sisters, Steph and Zach. My plan was to start sharing Bible verses through that family email chain. I was pretty nervous the first time I sent one out. I started with just a Bible verse, then as I got bolder, I added some of my commentary on it. It’s hard to believe I was nervous about sending out an email, when I would end up doing live Bible study on Facebook a few months later.
I started the thereishopemyson.com website right at the end of my first semester in Bible 101, and would use it to post the same sort of things I was emailing the family. I started giving more detail and comments on the verses as I went along. The only school major that God offers is in Biblical Studies, so I didn’t have to worry about making that decision. There is only one book, and you can get it for free. If you know the One who runs the place, tuition is not a concern, and you will get help with room and board. Wow, doesn’t all this sound too good to be true? For me it was!
Everyone is looking for wisdom and learning that will help them find success, happiness, contentment, and peace in their lives, right? Nope, not everyone. Some will always think they can get the same thing from worldly sources.
My first goal was to help Zach understand and know who God is. We started going to one of the big churches here, and we were pretty consistent with it. Every time I went to church it seemed like the message was tailored to me. It was almost too hard to believe, but I lived through it, so I know it was real. I still have all the notes I wrote on the church bulletins during that time.
It was getting pretty obvious with everything that was happening to me, that God was training me up for something. It never felt like training though. It felt like reading the greatest piece of literature, history and wisdom ever written, and then finding out more and more every time I read it. I wanted more…I needed more. Does that sound normal? Do you know anyone who is obsessed with studying the Bible? Do you know anyone who also had the time to study it as much as they wanted to? I didn’t think so. This is how you know it is a sign. You already know a lot of my story, and you know I wasn’t picked to do this because of my qualifications. There is a saying out there that “God doesn’t call the prepared, He prepares the called”. My life is an obvious picture of that being true.
I started Bible study for Zach. I figured that I’d record it so he could listen to it the way you youngins like to. I quickly moved to doing them live on Facebook. I never pressured Zach to listen to the studies, and I never tried to sell him on anything the Bible talks about. I went through the Old-Testament verse-by-verse, and it took me 2 years and around 60 videos. The result was that Zach asked to be baptized, and I got to be the one to baptize him in my mom’s backyard pool! I can’t tell you what a relief and a joy that day was. Now I don’t have to worry about Zach’s eternity, and I know I get to spend forever with him. Who cares what job he has or what he accomplishes here, because that day will go down as the proudest of him I will ever be. You can tell someone you believe in God, but until you show it by getting baptized, no one really knows. I remember thinking maybe this is the reason God had me study the Bible; just to teach Zach.
I know of at least one of you guys, who was going to be baptized, but thankfully backed out. You have questions, and weren’t sure what you believe yet. Zach had no question. That doesn’t mean he knew all the answers, he just had no doubt God is real and that he should be baptized. It’s one of those: “if you know you know kind” of deals. It shouldn’t take convincing, and you just know you need to do it. I had very little understanding when I was dunked in a tank at Immanuel Baptist Church, but I knew I wanted to do it. I’ll tell you more about baptism when we get to the reason why we do it.
When I found out Zach was saved, (he told me he believed, and then got baptized to show everyone he believed) I moved on to thinking more about you guys. I now had a few years of Bible study under my belt, and I was ready to start some videos on the New Testament. I had a lot of momentum, and two years doing live Bible study is a long time. But for some reason, I never started anything new after that. I tried and tried, but soon realized that there was still a lot for me to learn. God can slow us down or even stop us from doing something whenever He wants to. I tried so hard to get new videos or Bible studies done, but I felt like I was stuck in the mud. I was bummed every day I sat there getting nothing done.
There is this Percy Jackson movie where they end up in the “Lotus Hotel & Casino”. This place is a trap, and the way it traps you is by making you lose track of time. You are eating something that alters your state of mind. They have all the fun & games and food you would ever need, and by the time you realize you’ve been there a long time, it’s too late to save the world. Geeze, that almost sounds like Vegas. Heck, it also sounds like my life in a lot of ways. Distracted, and time flew by with nothing accomplished but a bunch of fun and games… I look up one day, and I’m 40.
Anyway, I bring that movie scene up because that is how I felt up until 3 weeks ago when I started writing this book. I kept trying, but nothing. I kept stressing, still nothing. All it took was getting on the Facebook and hitting go live. All it took was me getting on the computer and typing out what I’ve learned. It’s not like it was physically or mentally hard. I knew the stuff, or so I thought. Why nothing? Again, a wise child of God will always ask why, even if you don’t get the answer right away, or the answer you were expecting.
The same thing was still happening on the job front. Although I was more optimistic and grateful about the jobs God gave me, I never had one that lasted. Many of the jobs during Bible school were part-time and temporary jobs. If someone was paying attention, they would notice that all the same things were still happening in my life, even after I started reading the Bible and changing my life. I was broke, and I went through more jobs in those 13 years than any similar timespan in my life. I was always “trying” to write, do Bible studies, get a job, or just do something. Nope…nothing done. There is a misconception out there that once you start reading the Bible, or once you are saved, everything in life is smooth. The Bible teaches the exact opposite.
So what was the difference between pre-Bible and post-Bible time for me? I had nowhere near the stress or fear after I started reading the Bible. There wasn’t even close to the same amount of anxiety. This time, I just let God drive. It isn’t easy giving up control, but God gave me no other option. I wanted in…all in, and you can’t do that and still try to drive.
To the world this is crazy behavior. But remember, I had already spent half my life doing the same thing, but I relied on me instead of God. Look how that worked out. This go-round, I put my trust in God, and He delivered time after time after time. There is nothing like the experience of seeing God come through in ways you never could have predicted. Nothing beats having to rely on God for everything.
The majority of you guys were still pretty young, so Bible study wasn’t the option God gave me to reach you. God wanted this book to serve that purpose. The first thing God gave me to help my research for the book, was lots of time to spend with you. I can’t even begin to count all of your visits, your soccer, your basketball, volleyball, plays, graduations, school music events, spring fall and summer breaks, babysitting, and of course every holiday and family vacation. I keep telling you this, not to brag, but so you see God was at work. What kind of uncle wants to spend that much time with a bunch of punk kids? Apparently, I do.
If God was going to have me write this book for you guys, I had to have some personal investment in you. I needed to know you all very well, and that can only come with time and interaction. I had to be visible and active in your lives for you to get the most out of what I am writing to you. I had to be available to be a baby sitter on short notice. I had to be around when spring break came and your parent’s had to work. I had to be able to take time off or be unemployed to attend all the vacations we went on together. I always had to have July 4th off so I could see my nieces. All of the time God gave me to spend with you guys is not normal. It’s not normal to have an uncle who has been “in-between jobs” most of your lives.
Before I ever thought about writing this book for you, I was spending a lot of time with you guys. Once I realized God has a plan to use me to help you understand Him and the Bible, I took things to another level. I started “Operation Undercover Uncle.” You didn’t realize it, but I was like the family spy over the last 10 years or so. I watched you keenly as you grew up into the fine young men and women you are today. I listened to see how you responded when issues the Bible talks about were discussed. I wrote down the questions I heard you guys struggle to answer about God. I paid attention to see if you went to church and what kind of church it was. I was laser focused on getting to know you and what you knew about God.
I made sure I attended every event of yours I could go to. Haley was the oldest when Jesus took my wheel and made a U-turn. I didn’t get to spend as much time with her or Nikk as the rest of you, because they were both older and didn’t need babysitting when I started my undercover work. One of the reasons I include so many pictures of you guys in the book, is so that you don’t forget that I’m not just some chump off the street, I am your uncle Bill, and we spent a lot of great time together. The pictures prove I was there for all those events, in case you forget when you get older. All of it is a testament to God at work in all of our lives.
My undercover work didn’t go so well at times. I almost blew my cover on many occasions, and worse yet, I almost blew my opportunity to get some of you to listen to me about God. I told you the Bible should have a warning label on it… Zeal is a word you hear in the Bible a lot. It’s the Bible word for passionate or enthusiastic. Uncle Bill had zeal for the Lord, for example. Well, uncle Bill had lots of zeal for the Bible and making sure everyone knew what was in it. I just failed miserably on most of the opportunities I had to actually teach others about it. You don’t need a Bible study for teachable moments, they happen all the time around us. It’s the in person, out of the blue, spur of the moment, teachable times I struck out at the most.
Poor Haley. Since she was the oldest, she got to experience Uncle Bill’s “I’m gonna let everyone know they are wrong” side effect. She had friends over to the in-laws and I acted holier than though when they came back talking about the rocks and crystals in Sedona. The buildup started earlier when my mother-in-law was showing me some of the rocks they got up there. I kept hearing things like this one is for healing, this one for protection, and there was one for spiritual something or another. I literally was just studying about the Israelites and their fake gods they started to worship, and how God kicked them out of the land over it. Many worshipped trees, and other parts of nature too.
I couldn’t hold back anymore and just went off about how ridiculous all this spiritual rock and crystal stuff was. I should have just sat there and soaked it in so I could write about it later, but nope. I went nuts, and then ended up leaving before I lost it any more. I didn’t understand how they could think a rock could help them. I got home, and later got a text from Haley. She was mad at me for acting like a punk in front of her friends. (my words, not hers) I typed out a reply right away saying “ thank you for letting me know, love you”. That is what I should have sent, but nooooo… I cleared it out and started ranting about worshipping rocks and how crazy that is. Nobody was worshipping rocks, uncle Bill overreacted. We went back and forth for a few more texts, before I let it go. Dumb. I felt bad every day for almost a year. I wanted to reach out every day, but I didn’t want to blow it.
How could I let my favorite niece (whoops lol) be mad at me for that long? All I know is that I wanted to reach out, but I never did. Maybe there was a reason for that? Finally, not long before our annual trip to Hawley lake on the 4th of July, Haley texted me telling me that she loves me and doesn’t want to fight or for it to be weird up camping. I was in San Diego on vacation with most of you when I got that text. I doubt you noticed, but I had a lot more pep in my step after that. What a relief that was!
Now, I ask you again, does any of this sound like normal behavior to you? First, why did every ounce of my body ache listening to the descriptions of what the rocks and crystals supposedly do? Was it because it was so fresh in my mind from my studying of the Bible? Why couldn’t I stop myself from clearing out my original text reply and instead babbling on about how I was right? Would most uncles worry about it day after day, or would the worries of their own lives take priority? I learned a lot from this experience, and that is exactly what God wanted from it.
The next people on my holier than thou tour were my sisters and parents. I had been on a few vacations with the AZ nieces and nephews, and I learned from my undercover work that you didn’t know a whole lot about the Bible. I decided I would go to your church for Christmas one year. That didn’t go well. I didn’t flip out and leave the church in the middle of the service, but I wanted to. They had some missionary “healer” lady who spoke about her escapades in some other country. It was Christmas, and I was listening to someone tell me these wild stories about healing miracles? I believe God heals people all the time, but being healed of what ails us in this physical body that is dying, is not near as important as healing our soul that will live forever.
I went home and started watching videos of past sermons on your church’s website. No lie, I spent several days watching videos of sermons non-stop. I took a half of a notebook full of notes as I watched. I paused it to make sure I heard something right, and I paused it when I needed a break after what I just heard. So, after 3 days listening to more sermons from your pastor than any of you have, I decided texting the whole family about my frustrations would be a good idea. Again, I had to let everyone know that I thought their church was horrible at preaching from the Bible. I had to tell them I didn’t think you guys were going to learn anything there.
I rarely heard the pastor mention how someone is saved in all the videos I watched, and the little Bible preached was all from the same 4-5 books of the Bible. Almost all the sermons were filled with stories of the preacher’s time in some other country helping out those in need with shoes. There was always another book that was promoted besides the Bible. Either some Christian author, humanitarian, or the preacher’s own book. It was all milk, there was no meat, no bread to anything I heard. Anyway, that went about as well as you would have expected. My sister was pretty upset about it. I put her and all the family on the defense, why wouldn’t she come out swinging? I remember thinking I thought the whole world was against me. First the incident with Haley and the mother-in-law, now this?!! What in the heck is going on? Why do I care that much? Why did I have to watch hours and hours of sermons just to prove a point? Why did I have to send that text? Yet another experience I learned a lot from.
The next blow-up came at my dad’s expense, and it ended up being about your church again. Dad was trying to be the peacemaker so he asked me out for a walk. We didn’t talk much about the church until we got back by the cars. I told him the main mission of the church is to teach the congregation and to help unbelievers know how to be saved. Everything a church does should be centered around training and shepherding your congregation. We didn’t see eye to eye on this one, and out of frustration, I threw my water bottle on the ground and took off. He didn’t want to listen, he just said I was wrong.
I went home and skimmed through the whole Bible looking for the verses that supported my view of the church. I worked on it non-stop from the time I left the park until a few days later when I sent it to him. The word doc I sent him was 13 pages long! It is filled with Bible verses talking about the role of the Church. Who does that? A crazy uncle who is trying, and failing, to look out for you guys. Did we go through the doc verse by verse to see what was right? Not yet. (LMK if anyone wants to read the word doc & I’ll send it)
There are many more stories I may get into later, but I feel bad enough for now. I could have, and should have, handled all these situations better. One of the reasons I wanted to tell you about this is because I want you to see how unusual all of this is. The way I handled things was pretty crazy. I wish I could explain the side-effects I had. I wasn’t thinking I was better than anyone, I was frustrated that no one would believe me about what is in the Bible. It’s like I was speaking a foreign language.
I got like this when I was trying to look out for you and what you were being taught. I had control over what Zach learned first, but I have no control over what you guys did. I didn’t care if it was coming from your church, your teachers, or your parents, I wanted to make sure you got the truth from the source…the Bible. It’s not about who is right or who is wrong, it is about taking the time to do your homework and figure it out for yourselves. God is not a God of confusion; He wants us to understand Him and His plan. It’s not rocket-science, yet so many treat it like it is. You guys mean everything to me. Making sure you have the chance to know the truth is all I care about. I’m selfish, I want to spend eternity with every one of you! I am trying to leave as little doubt as I can that I did my part to share the truth and keep you away from false teaching.
Another side effect I got from ingesting the Bible every day was guilt. The more you learn about what God has done for us, the more you want to please Him. The Bible tells us the best way to please Him is to obey Him. You just read about how I did anything but obey God most of my adult life and look where that got me. I started to feel guilty about a lot. I started writing posts on Facebook telling Zach I’m sorry for letting this world get into such a mess. I told him that it was me and my generation’s fault we are in the state we are in as a country right now. I wrote apology posts to my grandma, my parents, my wife, and all the people I treated badly in my life. I’ve included a few for you below.
There are side-effects for almost anything you do. Some are good side-effects, some not so much. Although your Uncle Bill didn’t handle the learning lessons God sent his way very well, I am much better prepared to handle it going forward. God also made sure I got to learn these lessons with my family who can’t disown me. lol
The “I’m Sorry Phase Posts”
Hi Grandma Landis.
I never told you how much I love you. I don’t think I even said the words very often. I was too busy thinking about you nagging me. I didn’t realize until later that you had every reason and every right to give me grief.
Maybe you will think what I used to do to you is funny now. Hopefully you can see the changes I am trying to make in my life. I know someday I will get my payback; it might be from my own grandchildren when I get older.
I’m sorry for taking out the tobacco from your cigarettes and replacing them with random household spices and mustard to hold it all in. I still think you never knew, you never said anything about it.
I feel bad about cranking up the music on the intercom system when you had just fallen asleep. I won’t soon forget you coming out of your room screaming “you damn kids, turn that radio down!” I think I blamed it on Ken or Christian, I can’t remember now.
I feel horrible about loosening the bolts on your extendo-toilet seat. I am thankful you never fell off of it.
How about the time my parents were out of town and you were charged with watching all us rascals. You kept asking me what was going on as girls kept coming in to use the restroom. “I just have a couple friends over” I told you. “We are just swimming out back”. Well, your suspicions were correct, I was having a party. There were about 20 people out back, but I only let the girls come in to pee. Yes mom, I am finally admitting that it was my bag of empty beer bottles out in the middle of the alley behind our house. And yes, those were my beer bottle caps you randomly found around the house over the months that followed. We would flick them with our fingers to see who could make them fly the farthest; we just couldn’t find all of them.
Grandma, I still can’t believe we would call you from Aunt Joyce’s house (before caller id) saying in our best Colonel Clink voice: “this is the Gestapo; you are to report to headquarters immediately or will be shot. Do you understand me Lillian?” Yes, that was me, even though I didn’t admit it when you asked me: “Billy did you crank call me? Someone said something about shooting someone”.
One of the worst I remember was when Ken just moved out here to AZ to stay with us until Aunt Joyce moved here. We devised a plan to really get you going. We sat on the couch while you sat in that chair of yours. It started when I put on my shoes and you asked me where I was going. I told you I was going to hang out with my friend. You wanted to know if I was taking Ken with me. I said “no, I don’t like him. I don’t want him to go”. You were so mad that you started that thing where you say all your grand-kids names before you finally got to the right one: “Wendy, Kristi, Tommy….Billy.” You couldn’t believe I just said that with Ken sitting there acting all lonely and depressed. “He’s no fun grandma” I said. Inside Ken and I were busting up laughing; you just about had a heart attack. Sorry grandma!
When I look back and think about all the rotten things I did to you, it’s partly because we spent a lot of time together. I understand now how lucky I was to have you around. Ken and I both cherished the times we came to visit you in the nursing home those last years of your life. We had some great conversations and I remember feeling like I could just be myself around you. It made my day.
The day you died I showed up at the nursing home before you took your last breath and went to heaven. I remember everyone was there huddled around you. You hadn’t said much all day and you weren’t in the best spirits. When I walked in the room, you perked up, smiled and said “hi Billy”. After all I did to make your life a challenge you didn’t hold it against me.
As Ken and I drove behind the hearse in your funeral procession, I couldn’t help but feel you were there with us. It was an incredibly beautiful overcast day and Ken and I cruised with the top down in my old Toyota. We still talk about that drive all the time, it was almost magical.
I love you and miss you. I promise things will be different with me next time I see you.
Your grandson,
Billy
Tillie and Abe.
I want to thank you for having such a big impact in my life. Not many people would have accepted all us crazy friends of Gabby and Tommy. You guys opened your house up to us at all hours of the day and night. You fed us, gave us a place to crash, and offered lots of great advice when we needed it. You treated me like one of your own kids.
I learned a lot about what grace looks like from you. Yes, you got mad at “pinche Bruno” many times, but you never held it against me for very long. Usually by the next morning you were saying “mijo, come get some breakfast”, again taking care of me. I was also amazed at how hard you and Abe worked. Especially impressive after we woke you up at 3am the night before.
I’m sorry it has been so many years since I’ve seen you and Abe. I should have come over to introduce you to my son, he is 11 now. I think part of me wanted to wait until I was successful or finally finished my book. I wanted you guys to be proud of me, and I didn’t feel very good about myself so I shut everyone out.
You and Abe mean more to me than you will ever know. I have many great memories of the time I spent with you. Todos ustedes son mi familia!
Thanks for putting up with my sarcasm and smart-ass mouth. Thanks for always being such great examples for me to follow. Your marriage was always what I wanted mine to be like when that day came. You showed me a lot about how important family is. I’ll never forget it.
I know it has been a long time, but I promise to try and make up for it. I told Gabby it would be great if we could all get together sometime over the holidays.
If you guys ever need ANYTHING, I will be there for you like you were always there for me.
I love you guys,
Guillermo
Mom, I am sorry for all the stupid things I did. I am sorry for not realizing sooner how big of a role model you were. I’m sorry for lying to get my way.
I’ll never forget coming home late one night to see all my clothes you told me to pick up off the floor in my room now laying on the bushes and ground outside my window. I won’t forget coming home from a night out partying with my friends and finding my bed in the garage because I didn’t make it before I left like you told me to.
I’m sorry for being so stubborn and actually sleeping on the bed in that hot garage that summer night just to prove I didn’t really care about it, or that it didn’t really bug me. I wouldn’t let you win. I’m sorry for always scheming my way into you giving me money or using some “spin” to get out of doing chores.
I should have realized this sooner, but you are the most generous, loving, and gracious person I know. I am so happy I am finally starting to take after you. So many things I learned from you and dad I am trying to pass on to Zach.
I deserved every punishment you and dad gave me, and probably much more. I thank you for dragging me to church every Sunday and Wednesday night. I appreciate the example you both set for me.
I would not be who I am today without your love and praise.
I love you!
Your son.
I just turned 18 a few days earlier when I decided to go get my first lottery ticket. Maybe this was the way I was going to get rich. I felt it! God was going to take care of me! I sat at home watching tv with my dad that night and anxiously waited to see my winning numbers get drawn. I can’t say dad was really watching, as usual he was half asleep. Then came the moment I was waiting for my whole life. The drawing was almost here, I was soon to have it all! Suddenly my dad woke up and said “son, you need to take out the trash, they are coming to pick it up tomorrow”. Knowing me, this was probably the 10th time he had to remind me.
I pulled out the lottery ticket from my back pocket and held it up to show him. In the cockiest way I knew how I said “see this dad, I’m going to win. In the morning, I am going to pay you to take out the trash”.
How many of you would have got away with that one?
Sorry Dad! Thanks for your patience with me. I hope you are starting to see that the lessons you taught me didn’t just fall on deaf ears, but actually did sink in.
I love you,
Your son.
Son, first, you need to know what we are up against. You need to know what got us into this mess. I am to blame for much of what you are seeing wrong. If it isn’t’ apparent to you yet, there sure is a lot of “bad news” these days. It is no wonder I lost sight of what is important during times like these. Prayer and faith are the only things that can get us through. It took way too long for me to realize that.
I’m sorry I had to sit in my car for 15 minutes once I got home from work to cool off and let go of my anger and frustration. I’m sorry you had to witness me arguing with my family over things I had no control of. I’m sorry you had to hear me call our political leaders names and talk down about the great people of this country. Maybe you can reverse the curve.
Lord, thanks for this awesome responsibility! Thank you for the lessons you are teaching me every day. Thank you for helping me understand that I have to prepare harder for those who “think” they know your Word than I have to for those who have never read it.
I’m sorry I got frustrated tonight. I’m sorry I started to feel sorry for myself about how difficult this road you have me traveling down is and will be. I can read story after story in the Bible to see that these feelings are typical of all who know the Truth and try to help others realize it. I know I am not alone and you are always with me.
I’m trying Lord. Please continue to be patient with me. Please continue to use me as you will. Thank you for knowing I could handle it with your help. Thank you for equipping me with the tools to do the job. Thank you for creating me for this purpose.
Please help me worry more about what pleases you than what pleases others.
I have lots of undercover/spy work in my background, so when God asked me to keep an eye on you young whipper-snappers, I already had the experience. My dad had a Dodge K car, and I used to pretend it was my undercover cop car because it fit the profile. (Zach will probably know what that car looked like.) I called it the “FBI-mobile”. I didn’t drive it much, for obvious reasons, but sometimes Ken and I would take it out and park in front of people’s houses I knew. Most of the people weren’t major criminals, but I could see them peak out of their windows, and sometimes come out to their car, like they were getting something out of it. When they looked, we would act like we were writing something down or calling for backup on the CB radio. This is what life was like before the internet. It was hilarious. I would sit there for an hour if I saw anyone checking me out from the house. I remember a couple people bringing it up that next weekend, but they never knew it was me.
So you can see I was a natural at the spy game. Another time I sat outside all night waiting for some young punks who tried to prank my house. They filled up my recycling bin with water and leaned it up against the front door. The plan was that I would open the door, and 30 gallons of water would flood inside the house and on me. (see pics) Luckily, we don’t use the front door, and I noticed it when I came back from the store. That night I waited for them, and I parked my car down the street so if the turkeys ever came back, they wouldn’t suspect me. I got tired so I set up a chair in my backyard by the gate and kept an eye out front. They are lucky they never came back. lol
The funniest time was when I lived in Tempe with all my buddies. There was a 7-11 right across the busy street. The payphones were always in use, and they usually had lines. Yes, the payphones again. This is was what you had to do if you were on the road, and lots of people bought alcohol there so it was always busy. Every day around the same time, we would see the same guys hanging around the phones being all suspicious. They were always looking around, as they made and received calls there. We decided to spy on them, so we wrote down the phone numbers of the payphones when they weren’t around. We walked over to 7-11 at least 3 times a day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, so there were plenty of opportunities.
The next night the payphone crew was back, and we had a great view of the payphones. Some nights, just hanging out on our patio watching the 7-11parking lot, was entertainment for us. If you went upstairs in our condo, you would have an even better view, so I’d go upstairs and call the pay phone:
ring ring: (the recognizable sounds of a payphone ringing)
Cut to: sketchy looking guy in a green shirt
guy: ”Yo”
me: “Sup dawg?”
guy: “What you want?”
me: “what you got foo?”
guy: “What you need?”
me: “How much you got?”
guy: “how much you got”?
me: “ I got enough to afford better clothes punk”
guy: “What you talking bout? Who gave you my number?”
me: “Your momma gave me your number foo. She told me to tell you that green shirt is ugly dawg”.
Guy starts looking around, wondering what the heck is going on.
me: “This is Tempe PD; you are using this phone to conduct illegal narcotic transactions. We are on the way.”
He would start looking around, we would duck. It was pretty funny. We used to call the phones just to see if the rando walking by would answer it. One time we got girls who just bought a bunch of alcohol to answer the phone. We talked the ladies in to coming across the street to party. Good times.
I now have over a decade of spying on you guys under my belt, and I gathered a lot of intel during that span. You already know that God gave me plenty of time with you guys, and that time allowed me to get lots of insight I needed for this book.
What I observed were some of the most amazing, kind, honest, and caring young people in the world! I have to be the luckiest uncle there is! God wanted me to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews, and He couldn’t have given me a better bunch. Thank you for always wanting to hang out with me. (or at least faking it well) Thanks for always talking to me about all kinds of different of things. God definitely blessed me when you guys were born.
So what did the family spy discover?
For one, it made a big difference growing up in Baptist churches. If you compared my behavior at age 17, verses your behavior at that same age, you would see a remarkable difference. If I took a poll of 100 people, and I had them watch a brief flashback of all of our lives, 100 of them would say I was the kid who didn’t go to church. My behavior was horrible; yet all you guys are little angels in comparison? That goes to show you that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Just because little Billy walked in and out of church thousands of times, doesn’t mean he’s a better-behaved kid than those who didn’t.
You can be a Christian on the inside, but look nothing like one on the outside. You can be an unbeliever on the inside, but look nothing like one on the outside. This is what makes it so hard to identify who is a saved and who is not. There is no secret handshake Christians get to help identify each-other. Any one of you could tell me you believe, (and I would trust you) but there is really no way to prove it. Baptism is about as close as we can get to knowing. It’s rare that someone who doesn’t believe in God will go through with a baptism in front of other people. We have an example of that in our own family. Still, under pressure from parents, or from the church, unbelievers do get baptized. There are also many Christians who have never been baptized, so that won’t help anyone be 100% sure.
Here is what I do know… I didn’t have as many questions as you guys do about God. Part of that is your church or lack of church, part of that is your parents not teaching you, part of that is on you for not listening if anyone did tell you, and part of that is the world we live in today. I am sure there were tons of atheists out there when I grew up, but I never heard from any of them. You are bombarded with more false information about God in one week, than I was in my whole pre-internet life. Before I started reading and studying the Bible, I couldn’t have answered most of the questions you guys have about God now. Some of the questions you have, I never would have even thought to ask. That is how different the worlds we grew up in are. My faith wasn’t challenged every day like you guys had growing up.
All of this was by God’s design, so I am not bagging on you guys or your parents. Had you all gone to churches that preach the Bible consistently, maybe you wouldn’t need this book. If you didn’t need this book, then what would I have done? What else would be different? Would I have had the same amount of time with you? What if I had a career with a job that I worked at for 60 hours a week when you guys were younger? Everything happens for a reason. Of course, I would have preferred you guys knew more about God, because I know it would have helped you. But maybe that’s why I am here, it sure seems to be my purpose.
What I had growing up was an unshakeable belief that God created everything, including me. If evolution was taught in school, I don’t remember it. I knew creation history, so nothing ever got me to doubt where I came from. On the other hand, I don’t know how you guys couldn’t have doubts about your origins. In your lives, you’ve probably heard about evolution 10,000 x as much as you’ve heard about the creation account in Genesis. (and that is if you go to a church that believes in God’s creation story) You need more info to defend Bible history than I ever needed, yet you aren’t getting near as much as I had.
I listened as you talked about the preachers who drive Lambos, own jets, and live in multi-million-dollar compounds. I noticed when Haley talked about all the billboards in the south and how they shout God at you, tell you that hell awaits, and crazy things like that. I have heard some of you use the word spiritual in a sense I don’t understand, and I know is not the Biblical meaning. I saw some of you disappointed when a preacher you liked fell from grace. I saw some struggle to identify where the stars and planets came from. In fact, I wrote down all of this stuff when it happened. My decade of undercover work gave me some great insight into what this book should be about. Spy-work was fun, and it felt like just hanging out with you guys, paying attention to you, and chillin, gave me everything I needed to write the book.
One of the biggest areas of question from all of you was about creation. That’s why I spent a bunch of time on it in my book, and I plan to do a creation vs evolution Bible study in the near future. Another insight you needed more on is the sovereignty of God. I wanted to make sure you guys heard that term and understood what it means. I wanted to show you how you can tell God is in charge of His creation by what has happened, and is still happening in my life. I am hoping you will have your own understanding and experiences watching God work in your lives someday, if you haven’t already. I wrote about death, and why so much evil is in this world, because those topics came up a lot. Everything I cover in this book I got from you.
I know that the world you grew up in makes young people feel unimportant, and that your life means nothing. I know what you are being taught in school, and what you are not hearing enough about in church. I know they tell you this earth and universe is permanent, and we are the temporary ones, which is the total opposite of what God tells us. I know the majority of the world is wrong about who God is, and I want to help equip you for that challenge. Most of all, I just want to make sure you know the truth so you can make a decision for yourself. Without a doubt, God is real and the Bible is Truth. You can trust me, or go read it for yourselves. I am also hoping that by reading about what God has done in my life, you will have more insight into who God is and how He works. Everyone lives forever; it is where you live that matters. I want you to live in the same place I’ll be in. Heaven. (more on this to come)
Thankfully, I learned from the side-effects I had early on. I learned that you don’t always have to “tell” people about God. In fact, there is a saying: “preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words”. This time around I was determined to do more “showing” instead of “telling”. How did Uncle Bill handle that situation vs what my teacher told me? Why is my mom so stressed, when uncle Billy doesn’t have a job and he looks relaxed? Why is uncle Bill so much cooler than my parents? Why doesn’t uncle Bill get worked up over silly little things? When we are on vacation, I’m never glued to my phone, because I am talking with you guys. I want to show you how important you are to me.
Tell me that you haven’t noticed uncle Bill is different. Before you think anything, I mean in a “good way” different. lol You’ve seen the unnecessary stress on family vacations and holidays; I made sure I was carefree and go-lucky uncle Bill. I didn’t just show up every once in a blue moon to your events, I was consistent in attending most of your things, for most of your lives. I made fun of other adults, and took your side 90% of the time. Most of the time you saw me I didn’t have a job, but I made sure you knew I wasn’t stressed. Stress is something you can’t hide for long, so you would have noticed if I was faking it. Do you know any adults who are not afraid to die, and would be perfectly fine if it was today? Most of you know I live like that now.
There is absolutely no doubt that you can see the peace I have. Now that you have this book, you don’t have to guess as to why I have it. Peace comes from understanding. I tried extra hard when I was around you to show you how different I am now. I’ve tried to model what God expects me to be to all of you. I have failed many times and succeeded some as well. I’ve tried to show you how different I am because of my relationship with God. I know you are all very perceptive and can tell when adults are being hypocrites. I talk to you a lot and try my best to always listen attentively.
Below is the large poster size sheet I used to write down the topics I got from being a spy. Don’t worry, I am not going to cover all of that in this book, but it will make great Bible study topics down the road.
I am so proud of the young woman you have become! I am always watching from afar; and seeing you grow and mature has been pretty awesome. No matter how far away you live, or how long in between seeing you, I am always thinking about you. I have also watched your journey to find out about God. I know some of the so-called Christians you have seen in your life aren’t the best examples. I saw you get turned off by the rock-star like church services, and disappointed when you found a great preacher, who later had to step down over something he did wrong.
I was pretty zealous when I started reading the Bible. That can be a good thing, but it can also make someone come off like a “holier than thou” person. I tried really hard for the last several years to make sure you knew I wasn’t like that. I just sat back and waited for the opportunity to talk to you about God. This book is my opportunity. I know you have lots of questions, and I know you have seen the hypocrite Christians out there. God must have given you some great discernment to be able to spot fakes or hypocrites, because I saw you doing it before you even knew what the Bible said about it. I am overjoyed to hear that you are reading your Bible. I can tell you with 100% certainty that the Bible is God’s Word, there are no contradictions, and the answers are all there.
I am so grateful that you are my niece! You are so smart and of course beautiful inside and out. The passion you have for helping others in incredible, and I can’t believe you have been able to put all the cancer charity events together to honor your grandma. It just makes me so happy that I am related to you.
Love you so much!
Uncle Bill
Nikkolina
Yo Nikk, thanks for being such a great niece! You are such a bright light when you enter a room. I have watched how much you love to help other people; and your positive attitude is infectious. That is a gift young lady, and a very unique one! You just make me smile every time I see you. It’s like I still picture 6-year-old Nikk running and giving me a hug. You have never changed, and that is pretty remarkable. I know inside, or when you aren’t around others, it may not always feel so rosy, but the joy and laughter you have brought to so many people, including those you have served at work, make a huge difference in people’s lives. That is something to be incredibly proud of!
It’s funny how us old people work. I always think back to all the “what happened to Nikk?” times in my life. The bee sting, the broken arm, falling off the swing, and many more. You are so darn tough; and God wanted you that way for a reason. I admire the joy you have in life and how it sure seems to me like you don’t take any day for granted. We could drop you in the middle of any town or city in the world and within a week you would have a ton of new friends. People are attracted to you because of the gift you have.
God blessed me big-time when I married into the family and I got to be your Uncle.
I can’t wait to see you for Christmas. I am counting down the days. Give Jack a big hug for me!
I love you!
Uncle Bill
Jack
Yo Jacko. Right now, you are my favorite nephew named Jack. You might have some competition in the future if I ever get another Jack as a nephew, so you better be on top of your game. Lol Seriously though, it has been a privilege watching you grow from just a poor farm kid on Tatooine to the Jedi fly-boy you are today. You always crack me up. I don’t know what it is, but I can just look at you and start laughing. It has been that way since you were 2. Even funnier was watching you and Miles together when you were kids. It was like a comedy routine, where you were the comic and Miles was the audience.
Dude, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate our walks together. The fact that you continue to invite me to hang out with you and chat means more to me than you will ever know. (Well maybe now you know lol) Our talks are awesome and I think we have touched on just about every topic of the day. I still think we are going to do a podcast together some day.
I will always be here for you, as long as I am still here. I hope this book can answer some questions for you, and maybe get you to ask a few more.
Thanks for being such a great nephew!
Uncle Bill
Miles
Yo, what up? You are the man, Miles. Until Jack steps up and starts wanting to golf all the time, you will be my favorite. Lol I am just so darn fortunate (unlike our sports teams) because I got to spend so much time around you. Ripping on your pop wouldn’t be near as much fun without you in the mix. I am also very impressed at how disciplined you are with work and school. You always had the craziest memory. I couldn’t ever slip anything past you. If we wanted an honest answer, and the adults weren’t giving one, we would go to you. It was great getting to coach your basketball team with your dad that one year too.
It’s been pretty special to watch you grow up. Getting to hang out with you all summer golfing was more fun than any other golfing I’ve done. Even if we played like crap, I still had fun. Thanks for letting me beat you, and thanks for always agreeing with your uncle’s sports takes over your dad’s.
Let me know if you ever have any questions or if you need anything. I am always available for you my brotha.
Peace!
Uncle Bill
Kali
Yo, what up gurl? Thanks for being such a wonderful and caring niece! I have totally loved all the time we got to spend together while you were growing up. I am so proud of the young lady you have become! The way you help others and put others first is a really big gift God gave you. I always appreciated the birthday cards, and you are still the first to respond to any of us old people when we need something.
I can’t wait to see what God does in your life and where you go next after high school. Wherever you go, I hope it isn’t too far, because we need you around here to help keep Miles and Jack in line. You are funny and smart and an awesome part of our family. Thanks for making me smile! Thanks for putting up with my sister all these years. She means well. Haha!
I am always here for you.
Love you!
Uncle Bill
Riley
Yo. Sup? What u dewin? When I was looking through pictures for this book, you were in a lot more of them than your cousins. I think It could be that you had more sporting events to photo than anyone else? You also fell down a lot, and that made for some good pics. Thanks for being such a great niece. I am so glad your mom was too busy to hang out with you and we got to spend so much time together. Lol You know I think you a fire, and I thought that way before that word was cool.
I am very proud of the strong young woman you have become. You are wicked smart and when you agree with your Uncle Bill you are right a lot. Thanks for putting up with my nephew all these years, I know that wasn’t easy. Being the youngest out of all the nieces and nephews can stink, but you make up for it by being the coolest.
Reach out to me anytime you need me.
Love you!
Uncle Bill
TEAR OUT IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Below are signs that the tribulation period (hell on earth) is here
There is a world leader or diplomat who will strike a peace deal that allows Israel to rebuild their temple on the temple mount in Jerusalem.
If Uncle Bill was alive and went missing before the peace deal happens, then you are in tribulation. (just check local hospitals first, I am pretty old now)
There is a prophet from the Old-Testament named Elijah. He is going to come back and get Israel focused on God again.
There will only be 10 people ruling over the entire world. They might be called kings, rulers, presidents or whatever, but the key is there are 10. Right now there are hundreds, so this will be a noticeable change.
There will be another world war. We are not sure if it will be the next world war or another after it. Most say it will be WWIII, because they can’t image much survival from it with all the nukes out there.
Famines will have been increasing around the world and in places no one would have expected. Food shortages will raise the cost of a loaf of bread to around $100 or an average person’s daily pay.
Earthquakes will be increasing, and you should have noticed them happening in places they never used to. The largest earthquake ever is coming during tribulation.
Plagues will be increasing, and most of the earth will be start seeing them. Tribulation will be the only time in world history where men want to die to avoid the plagues God brings on them, but are not able to. God ensures no one can kill themselves, or die in any other way to avoid His wrath.
If you are reading this and the things above are happening, don’t lose hope. Maybe this is the time God has planned for you to come to faith. Whatever you do, don’t take the mark of the beast. You will know it when you see it, because people will be killed for not taking it. God tells us death is a good thing during tribulation because your spirit goes right to heaven and out of that hell on earth.
THERE IS HOPE MY SON 