I was 20 when I wrote the letter predicting my future would be full of wealth from sold writing and fame.  I was going to be rich in 10 years, and I wouldn’t need the parents anymore.  Well, that aged well! 

Flash forward 7 years after I sent the letter. I was driving my mom’s mini-van, while working part-time at the Arizona Republic newspaper.  Not in a writing job as you might think, but taking classified ads over the phone.  I had moved in and out of the parent’s house several times, and if it wasn’t for your Aunt Steph, I would probably still live there.  Life sucked!   I felt depressed, I felt hopeless, I felt like a failure.

In the decade following that letter, a lot went wrong.  I spent several hours in the pokey, and narrowly escaped serving a lot more.  I had a car repossessed because I needed the money for beer, and I got kicked out of a couple apartments for partying too much.  I had 15 jobs, and I spent very little time working at any of them.  I had to sell some of my favorite things to pay off debt, rent, or for buying alcohol.  The 69 mustang and the jeep were the hardest to let go.   I lived paycheck to paycheck, and always above my means.  

As far as the being famous prediction went, the closest I got was being in a few local insurance commercials. I always played the part of the loser without any money, a part I was perfect for.  They only picked me because I worked there, and they wanted free talent.  I must have been a decent actor, because people used to recognize me and shout my name.  Too bad it was just at the mall, and the only people that saw my commercials were the people who were home all day instead of working.  There was the one girl who wanted to dance with me because she thought it was cool I was on tv.   I might have married her, had your aunt not come into the picture and snatched me away when she saw us dancing.  You aunt was the jealous type. lol

The stress was rough.  Not only did I have all these financial worries, but major doubt was creeping in.  I had a few jobs that helped take away the hole I had not filled yet, but they were always just temporary.  I had a mid-life crisis breakdown at 27.  I was only 3 years away from the cutoff I told my parents about in the letter.  I was nowhere close to having anything written. 

Look at the poem I wrote. (Life Lessons)  I can’t tell you how much anxiety, fear, stress and tears were behind it.  But, if you notice, there is also hope!  I wrote this after praying.  Although I didn’t have much of a relationship with God during this time period, I always went to Him when I felt everything was unbearable.  I went to Him when I was desperate.  He always calmed me down and brought me hope. 

I was failing, and I had very little time to get it done.  The partying helped me forget that I was a loser too.  I talked so much crap over the years; on purpose.  I figured if I talked a ton of smack about being successful, surely that would help my pride kick in, and I would “get er done”.  Again, I was wrong. 15 years after I had vowed to become a writer, I felt further away than ever.   

God kept the spark there though, and occasionally, especially during very high stress times in my life, He allowed me to write some of the best stuff I ever put down on paper.  I never let anyone see how disappointed I was in my life.  I kept up the charade.  I drove fancy cars, I dressed like a 50-year-old poser rich guy, and I still bragged about the writing, but only when I was drinking. 

I was really scared.  I didn’t know what life would be like living with the disappointment I set myself up for.  I didn’t know if I could handle that type of pain, so I couldn’t let the dream die, or I’d risk dying inside. 

So, here we have an example of 2 things:  1.  I wanted to write with every ounce of my being for more than 40 years, but never got anything completed.  2.  I wanted to be a good Christian, but I wasn’t anywhere close to good.  I was very thankful for all the times God helped me out of a mess, but it didn’t lead to me to obey Him more. After God saved me that one time in the desert, I told Him that I’d never drink again. The next day I was right back to the hair of the dog that bit me.

It was one of the most frustrating periods in my life, and it lasted a long time.  Everything I wanted to do, I didn’t. Everything I didn’t want to see happen, did. UGH! 

Then, God sent me a life preserver; your aunt.  God sent her in to help clean up all the messes, and make me smile at her dresses. Lol  The friends and family God provided for me during my party days, were being replaced with my own family.  I got married when I was 30, and we had Zach at 32.  I needed motivation and my hopes lifted up, and that is just what marrying the love of my life did!  I was down in the dumps about my writing, but now I had a wife and a son to think about.   I would do it for them!  The timing must have been all wrong before.   

 Nope! Wrong again. God was just planting seeds at this time.  He knew what would happen over the next decade, I didn’t. 

How can you believe something will happen with your whole heart, but never see it come to fruition?   How can you know how you should act, but still don’t?  Why did I have to go through all this stress and anxiety?   

I have the answers now, but I’ll tell you later. Keep reading.