The more this book comes together, the more I see what a moron I was.  I wasted so much time.  I wasted so much of my life wandering in the wilderness those 40 years.  I spent every hour of every day, worrying about my future.  I was always trying to picture what my life would be like in 5 or 10 years, but the lens I used was the wrong one.  I looked at my life through the lens of the world, when I should have been looking at everything that was happening to me through the lens of the Bible. I should have been comparing my life to Jesus, instead of the rich CEOs I worked for. 

I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself, and I partied like a rock start to try and forget it.  I never lived in the moment; I was too worried about what was next.  Most of it feels like a blur now.   

I’ve been writing in a journal since I was 15.  I have notebook after notebook filled with my thoughts, ideas, dreams, disappointments, and successes during that time.  When I go back and look through it all, it’s pretty depressing.  Every time I actually sat down to write, I questioned if I would ever get something done.  If there is an overwhelming theme from the stuff I wrote while wandering in the wilderness, it is that I was miserable, and I was always waiting for my story/life to unfold. The most common sentences over thousands of journal entries were:  “Why am I going through this?” and “am I ever going to write something?”   I thought there was no way out from the expectations I set for myself.  I thought the failure that hit me over the head all my life was here to stay.    

Instead of going to God for relief, I went to motivational speakers, business leaders, published authors, and the countless books and tapes on earthly success.  I have a ton of stressed-out writing in my notebooks, and very little that was positive.  I’d write when I was totally wigging out about something, but I didn’t go back and write about how God helped me through it.  I guess I was more miserable than I ever realized.  Not once, was I ever able to confidently say I know what I am going to do with my life.  Sure, I thought I knew a few different times, but God squashed those ideas really quick.  

Stressing about my life achievements, and when they would happen, is the only thing I was consistent with in my whole life.  It sucked.  Job after job I quit, failed attempt to write after failed attempt, I lost hope.  All this time, God was trying to teach some valuable lessons, but I was either too altered, or too distracted to notice.  Every day for me was either a day to forget, or a day to think about what I haven’t done.  It is the worst feeling in the world, and it just kept repeating itself for most of my life.

One of the main reasons I was stuck in that vicious circle is because I failed to recognize that God disciplines His children.  God puts us through trials and tests our whole earthly lives.  This is how we grow in maturity, and how we grow spiritually.  Ask my parents how well it went when they tried to discipline me back in the day….

There is a movie I loved when I was a kid called “Back to the future”.  There is a scene in it where the bully knocks on McFly’s head and says :  “hello, Mcfly?”  “Is there anyone home?”  I think of God doing that to me for 40 years.  Bill, how many times do we have to go through this?  Bill, I thought you promised you wouldn’t do that again?  Bill, why are you so upset, don’t you remember I always provide?  Bill, why do you need that fancy car?  Why did you quit your job before I told you to?  Hello, McFly?!!!

I don’t think the main issue God had with me was my 30 jobs, it was the fact that I never gave Him credit for hooking me up with the new ones.  Every time I got a new job, it was a better one, and I took all the credit.  Uncle Bill has a big head, full of pride.  I remember going to the in-laws not long after I found a new job.  My father-in-law Tom said “I don’t know how you do it Bill, but you always find a better job, every time”.  I just smiled, while thinking in my head how awesome I was, and that the in-laws recognize my talent. Lol  It’s weird how this interaction stuck with me over all these years.  I think about it a lot, because it was a great chance to give credit where credit was due.  Instead, I let Tom’s comment fuel the pride in me even more.  In actuality, he was probably thinking:  “Bill has had more jobs in 5 years than I’ve had in my life.” 

On the outside,  I radiated self-confidence; but in reality, it was all but gone by 35. How could that have happened?  I was a cocky, over-confident punk, who thought the world revolved around me.  Someone had to put me in my place, and many tried.  It wasn’t until God brought me down from my perch, that I finally learned what humility was.  If there ever was a perfect parent, it is God.  God got my pride in check really quick.  Over the last 13 years, He has made sure I know who really provides for me and my family.  Had I never learned this lesson, I would still be thinking every positive thing in my life was because of me.  Because I am awesome.  Because I am fire!  

Thankfully, God never stopped trying to make me better. When earthly parents might give up because their kids are too out of control, or they are adults now, God won’t. He never grows tired of trying to get something important into my thick skull.  This only benefits me, why wouldn’t I want to grow?  In fact, spiritual growth (becoming more like Jesus) not only benefits us tremendously in this world, but even more so after Jesus comes back again.  Keep reading, God has a lot to say about the time when Jesus comes back.    

The Israelites who were rescued from slavery in Egypt, got plenty of learning lessons, plenty of discipline, and plenty of time wasted in the wilderness too.  You can read all about it in the books of Exodus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy in the Bible.  Did you know it took Israel 40 years to reach the land God promised after they left Egypt?  Do you know they should have been able to get there in 2 weeks?  So, what was the hold-up there?  What was the hold-up that had Uncle Bill wandering in the wilderness for 40 years?  In both cases, it was man being stubborn, and purposely ignoring God’s attempts to point out our wrongs.

Israel broke God’s laws given to Moses on the mountain.  I broke God’s laws, and I broke man’s laws.  Most of the people of Israel, who were old enough to know better when God rescued them from Egypt, never made it to the promised land.  It was supposed to be a short trip, yet most of them died in the wilderness. In contrast,  I already have my citizenship to the promised land.  I’m just waiting for the place to open; they are expecting me.  I decided to wander around for a while and hang out in the desert first.  I chose to try and “live my best life now”, but it never worked.  I was always thirsty, hungry, hot, and tired.  I just kept wandering, going in circles over and over again.  The way I felt, (thirsty, hot, etc.) is what the Bible tells us life after death for the unbeliever will feel like.  More on all that later.    

Remember one of the questions I posed earlier in the book? Why couldn’t Uncle Bill be good, when he knows God wanted him to be good?  One answer is because Uncle Bill was stubborn, and I didn’t learn from my mistakes very quickly. 

The other part of the answer lies in what we discussed about sin in chapter 3.  We are born with sin; and it is part of our nature. It was passed down through Adam, to every person ever born on earth, minus the One.  My sin nature is opposed to God, so it is always working to try and undermine God or my belief in God.  I can’t blame Satan for everything I do wrong, but the sin and lies he brought into this world, sure make it hard to be good.  In fact, this side of heaven, it is impossible to be as good as God wants us to be. Did you know that?  We can’t change who we are, but thankfully God can. 

Do you know that your parents didn’t teach you to be bad, but they had to teach you to be good?  Which side of a child’s nature comes out first, and is instinctual…good or bad? Did anyone teach me to lie?  Nope, I just preferred to lie over telling the truth most times. A lot of times it was because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was a failure.  Other times it was to cover up another lie, or to get me out of work, or doing chores. This was another thing God had to work on with me over and over again.   I wrote a FB post to Zach 10 years ago about excuses. This sums up how I lived with lies and excuses during my time in the wilderness.  Check it out: 

As I got older, I could lie and cover it up so well that I believed it in my own head. I had lies that no one would ever know about. There are still lies that I have yet to admit, stupid ones that I know would be fine if I owned up to them now.  

Ok let’s give it a try:  Dad, if you are reading this book, and you are at this point, I have to tell you something…. 

Remember the Ford Ranger you used to have?  Remember the one time I came home with part of the front all crushed in?   Remember when I told you that I was in the parking lot, and when I came out of the store the damage was there?  Remember Uncle Tom seeing it and saying it looks like someone hit a pole?  Well, that is what I did.  I was trying to spin the wheels in the grass at a small church.  The grass was wet and I lost control and hit their flag pole.  Sorry about that pop!   I feel better now, if that is any consolation.  Lol   The Church also learned to put a large concrete barrier around the pole after that.  What a punk I was, and still am sometimes. 

This was one of the main reasons that God had to keep teaching me the same lessons over and over.  I wouldn’t get it. Thankfully He didn’t give up trying, because I do get it now.  It wasn’t until after my 40 years in the wilderness, after all the trials and tests, that I finally stopped worrying about my future.  It is the most freeing thing I have ever felt!  Living each day as it comes, knowing God has a plan for me and this world, is all I need now.    

It was 5 years ago, right around Christmas 2020.  The nation was experiencing all the Covid hysteria, and I was winding down a consulting gig God gave me.  It was then, before I knew what would come next, that I decided I didn’t care if I ever wrote another thing. I didn’t care about any of the dreams I had my whole life.  I was just so happy knowing the Truth, and that God gave me so much time to read and study the Bible.  Nothing else mattered to me after that.  I finally knew my future, and it wasn’t here on earth that I cared about anymore.  God gave that peace to me 5 years before I started writing this book.  It’s almost like I had to give up the priority I put on my dream, and put it on God.  Once I did that, it all started to happen.  Now the dream, and the peace, are both real.

I can’t explain how great I feel right now, writing this.  I have not had the stress over my failed life in a little over 10 years. The sick feeling I had in my gut all those years is gone.  I didn’t think the day would ever come.  I am not sure I could have been further down in the dumps, but now I am more alive and hopeful than any time in my life.   This is what a miracle looks like! To come out of the wilderness virtually unscathed, can only be God’s doing.